I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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