totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
