Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
