I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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