Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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