have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
