he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
