I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
