I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I wish I only lived at night.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
