At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
