It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
