And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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