We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
