No stitches, just platelets and will power
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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