My underwear smells like fireworks.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
