he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
