I heard we made out
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
