we have officially lost it.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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