i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
