I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
