I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
