i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
