Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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