I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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