I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
