life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
