I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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