farters have to be the big spoon...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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