If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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