my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i think i have two assholes
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
