remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You can't special order awesome
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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