I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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