chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
