i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
