The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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