When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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