I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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