I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Four minutes until I can fart!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
