Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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