3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
even my farts smell like vagina
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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