I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
