Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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