Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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