then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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