someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
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i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
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Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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