True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
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You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize