I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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