Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Randomize
