I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
