i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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