I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
