Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
