he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
3pm strippers are depressing
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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