I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
