I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
