well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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