I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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