when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
