Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
